Super Bowl XLIX Media-Day Highlights

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– Russell Wilson volunteers at Phoenix-area hospital to shake bad-boy image
– Bill Belichick uncomfortably thrilled to take question from terminally ill child
– Tom Brady spends entirety of interview berating event’s caterers
– Julian Edelman humiliated after diary is read aloud by Rob Gronkowski
– ESPN analysts Tedy Bruschi, Ray Lewis, and Steve Levy contemplate discussing just what the point of media day is, and how all this pomp and pageantry is really an extension of Americans’ obsession over frivolous things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things before deciding to talk about football inflation
– Stephen Gostkowski points out that a real neutral site would be someplace geographically right between Boston and Seattle, like Fargo
– Seahawks punter Jon Ryan arrives with plastic-wrapped mound of ice on throwing shoulder
– Live-hawk handler waiting in middle of media floor for bird released from top of Seattle’s CenturyLink Stadium
– Pete Carroll admits he’d give all this up to follow just one more Eagles tour across the country in his ’72 GTO, man
– Rookie reporter ridiculed by colleagues for throwing several questions right at Richard Sherman
– Luke Willson fields question on when he and Reese Witherspoon will team up for Legally Blonde 3
– Marshawn Lynch jumps off stage, grabs crotch after completing requisite five minutes of interview time

2014 NFL Draft Prediction

With the NFL draft beginning next Thursday, football fans everywhere are equally full of hope and opinion. Check out The Practice Squad’s predictions of the draft’s first 10 picks.

1) Houston TexansJadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina: Clowney’s speed, strength, and relentless pass rush make him the near-unanimous choice as the draft’s top talent, but Houston fans are baffled after discovering that he’s not actually from Texas

2) St. Louis RamsSammy Watkins, WR, Clemson: Rams QB Sam Bradford wishes he was cool enough to pull off “Sammy”

3) Jacksonville JaguarsJake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M: The looming threat of franchise relocation has the Jaguars looking for a shot in the arm, and a big, stationary player who never touches the ball is just the place to start

4) Cleveland BrownsJohnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M: Browns owner Jimmy Haslam calls Manziel’s father to congratulate him and asks if he can borrow the family attorney for a quick second

5) Oakland RaidersMike Evans, WR, Texas A&M: Fans rip Oakland management for reaching for another receiver but calm down after noticing three Texas A&M players have been selected in a row, which is a pretty neat story

6) Miami DolphinsA.J. McCarron, QB, Alabama: Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey trades up to pick the former Alabama quarterback “totally, entirely on [his] free will and definitely not because of some sort of crazy third-party influence” as Nick Saban places a firm hand on Hickey’s shoulder and grins

7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida: Bucs opt for the pro-ready quarterback even with Mike Glennon, Josh McCown, and Mike Kafka on the roster

8) Minnesota Vikings—Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots: Vikings just hope nobody will notice and it’ll all work out come training camp

9) Buffalo Bills—Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo: The University of Buffalo linebacker is just down the road, so picking him up for games will be pretty easy on gas

10) Detroit Lions—Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama: Roger Goodell takes a full two minutes to stop giggling every time he looks at the card listing the Lions’ pick’s name

-DD