Super Bowl XLIX Media-Day Highlights

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– Russell Wilson volunteers at Phoenix-area hospital to shake bad-boy image
– Bill Belichick uncomfortably thrilled to take question from terminally ill child
– Tom Brady spends entirety of interview berating event’s caterers
– Julian Edelman humiliated after diary is read aloud by Rob Gronkowski
– ESPN analysts Tedy Bruschi, Ray Lewis, and Steve Levy contemplate discussing just what the point of media day is, and how all this pomp and pageantry is really an extension of Americans’ obsession over frivolous things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things before deciding to talk about football inflation
– Stephen Gostkowski points out that a real neutral site would be someplace geographically right between Boston and Seattle, like Fargo
– Seahawks punter Jon Ryan arrives with plastic-wrapped mound of ice on throwing shoulder
– Live-hawk handler waiting in middle of media floor for bird released from top of Seattle’s CenturyLink Stadium
– Pete Carroll admits he’d give all this up to follow just one more Eagles tour across the country in his ’72 GTO, man
– Rookie reporter ridiculed by colleagues for throwing several questions right at Richard Sherman
– Luke Willson fields question on when he and Reese Witherspoon will team up for Legally Blonde 3
– Marshawn Lynch jumps off stage, grabs crotch after completing requisite five minutes of interview time

Highlights: Super Bowl XLVIII

  • Joe Namath sets record of 44 years between Super Bowl interceptions
  • John Fox digs in pocket for challenge flag, tosses condoms and Bayer pills onto field
  • Bill Gates having trouble streaming game on PC
  • Pete Carroll adds second line to headset to chat with Macklemore throughout game
  • Eli Manning seen wearing protective earmuffs during halftime concert
  • Multilingual Coca-Cola ad infuriates everyone’s loud uncle
  • Broncos relieved to see hungry Eli Manning eat Snickers, turn back into Peyton
  • Richard Sherman swats snowflake away from awaiting child’s tongue, berates father for raising “mediocre” son
  • Shannon Sharpe: weather obviously a factor
  • Peyton Manning disappoints Cooper
  • Gary Bettman furious at Roger Goodell for upstaging NHL Stadium Series
  • Eli Manning throws tantrum upon realizing he’s not going to Disney World