ISIS Horrifies Americans With New Video Declaring Kobe Better Than Jordan

DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.

“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.

The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.

Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”

Highlights: Super Bowl XLVIII

  • Joe Namath sets record of 44 years between Super Bowl interceptions
  • John Fox digs in pocket for challenge flag, tosses condoms and Bayer pills onto field
  • Bill Gates having trouble streaming game on PC
  • Pete Carroll adds second line to headset to chat with Macklemore throughout game
  • Eli Manning seen wearing protective earmuffs during halftime concert
  • Multilingual Coca-Cola ad infuriates everyone’s loud uncle
  • Broncos relieved to see hungry Eli Manning eat Snickers, turn back into Peyton
  • Richard Sherman swats snowflake away from awaiting child’s tongue, berates father for raising “mediocre” son
  • Shannon Sharpe: weather obviously a factor
  • Peyton Manning disappoints Cooper
  • Gary Bettman furious at Roger Goodell for upstaging NHL Stadium Series
  • Eli Manning throws tantrum upon realizing he’s not going to Disney World

Super Bowl XLVIII Prop-Bet Guide

Need to make a little extra dough this weekend? Take the smart money and let it ride on one of these prop bets for tomorrow’s Super Bowl.

  • Over/under 7,358 chomps on same piece of gum by Pete Carroll; you’d look like a real asshole if you took the over here
  • O/U 6.5 audibles missed by Derrick Coleman
  • O/U 1.5 times Peyton Manning says, “Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex” at line of scrimmage
  • O/U 11.5 times that cheesy dickhead from your office says he “just watches the game for the commercials”
  • Combined concussions suffered by Wes Welker and Percy Harvin vs. number of chicken parms eaten by Chris Christie
  • O/U 7.5 times game referred to as “Harbowl”
  • Color of Gatorade dumped on winning coach: it might be cold in New York, so take chicken broth at 600/1

– KB

Highlights: Super Bowl Media Day

Miss the action during Super Bowl media day? The Practice Squad has you covered with the event’s highlights:

  • Peyton Manning arrives three hours early to find best acoustic podium to answer questions
  • Russell Wilson enters Prudential Center, doesn’t see what the weather fuss is all about
  • Wes Welker gets completely entangled in power cords
  • Marshawn Lynch cornrows John Clayton’s hair
  • Everyone delighted to see tearful Adrian Peterson show up in full pads and beg Roger Goodell to let him play
  • Peyton Manning refuses to answer any question ending in a preposition
  • Eli Manning won’t use bathroom unless accompanied by brother Peyton
  • Pete Carroll “just can’t believe [he] made it here,” and neither can anyone else
  • Skip Bayless has brain aneurysm from suppressing urge to say N-word
  • Trey Wingo ponders if too much importance is placed on minutia of single football game before spending 20 minutes discussing how weather may affect punts
  • John Fox crassly refers to wife as “Yeast Mode”
  • Mike Tice caught scalping all-access pass outside stadium
  • Reporter flagged and fined for hard-hitting question
  • Peyton Manning tells Knowshon Moreno his name is spelled wrong
  • Pete Carroll thanks Reggie Bush’s agent for giving him this opportunity
  • Skip Bayless labels Derrick Coleman a thug for using “gang signs” while answering questions
  • Broncos center Manny Ramirez fields 26 straight PED-related questions
  • Peyton Manning’s “Omahas” due to amnesia from long-untreated concussions

Eli Manning excited to show locker to big brother Peyton

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning told reporters today he’s very excited to show his locker to his older brother Peyton this week. Peyton’s Broncos will be using the Giants’ locker room this week while preparing for Sunday’s Super Bowl.

“I can’t wait for Peyton to get done with his interviews and stuff,” Eli said, flashing a smile and softly pumping his fists.

“I’m going to show him where I put my helmet, and my shoes, and my jersey.He’ll think it’s so cool,” the two-time Super Bowl MVP continued.

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Peyton Manning corrects teammates that Super Bowl is technically in New Jersey

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—With the AFC champion Denver Broncos arriving in the New York area for Sunday’s Super Bowl, Broncos players have reported being corrected by star quarterback Peyton Manning that the game is technically taking place in New Jersey.

The players, who asked to remain anonymous, told sources that the record-breaking, cerebral signal caller has consistently interrupted conversations when hearing players express excitement about playing in New York.

“You know that the game’s actually in New Jersey, right?” Manning rhetorically asked a Broncos defensive player after a team film session. “I mean, yeah, it’s the New York metro area, but the stadium’s in New Jersey,” the universally respected future Hall-of-Famer added before heading to the locker room.

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