DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.
“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.
“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.
The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.
Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning told reporters today he’s very excited to show his locker to his older brother Peyton this week. Peyton’s Broncos will be using the Giants’ locker room this week while preparing for Sunday’s Super Bowl.
“I can’t wait for Peyton to get done with his interviews and stuff,” Eli said, flashing a smile and softly pumping his fists.
“I’m going to show him where I put my helmet, and my shoes, and my jersey.He’ll think it’s so cool,” the two-time Super Bowl MVP continued.
EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—With the AFC champion Denver Broncos arriving in the New York area for Sunday’s Super Bowl, Broncos players have reported being corrected by star quarterback Peyton Manning that the game is technically taking place in New Jersey.
The players, who asked to remain anonymous, told sources that the record-breaking, cerebral signal caller has consistently interrupted conversations when hearing players express excitement about playing in New York.
“You know that the game’s actually in New Jersey, right?” Manning rhetorically asked a Broncos defensive player after a team film session. “I mean, yeah, it’s the New York metro area, but the stadium’s in New Jersey,” the universally respected future Hall-of-Famer added before heading to the locker room.