Furious Raiders Threaten NFL Films’ Planned DVD Release of Team’s 2014 Games

Source: Bleacher Report

Source: Bleacher Report

OAKLAND, Calif.—The Oakland Raiders issued threats of violence and unrest toward NFL Films today after learning of the company’s planned release of a collectible DVD of each of the team’s 2014 games.

“Should this vile media be released, we will find no recourse but to enact swift, powerful justice upon those responsible,” Raiders owner and supreme leader Mark Davis said in a team-issued statement lambasting the potential release of 2014 Raiders games to a national audience. “Such an act of defamation will not be met idly,” Davis added.

Experts believe Davis’s overly protective declaration is a desperate attempt to keep the misled, long-suffering Raiders fan base from being exposed to any media or thoughts on the team from outside entities.

“We’re talking about a group of people delusional about the glory of their team,” sociologist Nathan Glencoe said. “From the time most are indoctrinated into Raiders fandom, they’re blasted with team-issued propaganda brainwashing them into thinking this is still not only a successful franchise to support, but a triumphant one,” he explained.

“These poor people really believe the Raiders are a powerful, magnificent organization, and the DVD release would undo all that,” Glencoe added.

The Raiders’ systemic feeding of grandiose misinformation to its fans dates back to the 1970s, when previous team owner and grand ruler Al Davis seized power in the team’s front office. “Since then, it’s been a sad trail of lies and torturous deception that Mark [Davis] inherited seamlessly,” Glencoe said. “Things like ‘Darren McFadden’s rocket-like speed decimates opposing defenses,’ or ‘Derek Carr’s downfield missiles are an unstoppable force.’

“Anything to distract the masses from the horrifying reality they’re living,” Glencoe concluded.

Upon receiving word of the shuttered franchise’s threats, NFL Films announced it would instead distribute a “Raider Greats” copy in its San Francisco/Oakland market while re-branding the original DVD as a football-bloopers compilation elsewhere.

2014 NFL Draft Prediction

With the NFL draft beginning next Thursday, football fans everywhere are equally full of hope and opinion. Check out The Practice Squad’s predictions of the draft’s first 10 picks.

1) Houston TexansJadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina: Clowney’s speed, strength, and relentless pass rush make him the near-unanimous choice as the draft’s top talent, but Houston fans are baffled after discovering that he’s not actually from Texas

2) St. Louis RamsSammy Watkins, WR, Clemson: Rams QB Sam Bradford wishes he was cool enough to pull off “Sammy”

3) Jacksonville JaguarsJake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M: The looming threat of franchise relocation has the Jaguars looking for a shot in the arm, and a big, stationary player who never touches the ball is just the place to start

4) Cleveland BrownsJohnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M: Browns owner Jimmy Haslam calls Manziel’s father to congratulate him and asks if he can borrow the family attorney for a quick second

5) Oakland RaidersMike Evans, WR, Texas A&M: Fans rip Oakland management for reaching for another receiver but calm down after noticing three Texas A&M players have been selected in a row, which is a pretty neat story

6) Miami DolphinsA.J. McCarron, QB, Alabama: Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey trades up to pick the former Alabama quarterback “totally, entirely on [his] free will and definitely not because of some sort of crazy third-party influence” as Nick Saban places a firm hand on Hickey’s shoulder and grins

7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida: Bucs opt for the pro-ready quarterback even with Mike Glennon, Josh McCown, and Mike Kafka on the roster

8) Minnesota Vikings—Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots: Vikings just hope nobody will notice and it’ll all work out come training camp

9) Buffalo Bills—Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo: The University of Buffalo linebacker is just down the road, so picking him up for games will be pretty easy on gas

10) Detroit Lions—Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama: Roger Goodell takes a full two minutes to stop giggling every time he looks at the card listing the Lions’ pick’s name

-DD