Super Bowl XLIX Media-Day Highlights

lynchmediaday

– Russell Wilson volunteers at Phoenix-area hospital to shake bad-boy image
– Bill Belichick uncomfortably thrilled to take question from terminally ill child
– Tom Brady spends entirety of interview berating event’s caterers
– Julian Edelman humiliated after diary is read aloud by Rob Gronkowski
– ESPN analysts Tedy Bruschi, Ray Lewis, and Steve Levy contemplate discussing just what the point of media day is, and how all this pomp and pageantry is really an extension of Americans’ obsession over frivolous things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things before deciding to talk about football inflation
– Stephen Gostkowski points out that a real neutral site would be someplace geographically right between Boston and Seattle, like Fargo
– Seahawks punter Jon Ryan arrives with plastic-wrapped mound of ice on throwing shoulder
– Live-hawk handler waiting in middle of media floor for bird released from top of Seattle’s CenturyLink Stadium
– Pete Carroll admits he’d give all this up to follow just one more Eagles tour across the country in his ’72 GTO, man
– Rookie reporter ridiculed by colleagues for throwing several questions right at Richard Sherman
– Luke Willson fields question on when he and Reese Witherspoon will team up for Legally Blonde 3
– Marshawn Lynch jumps off stage, grabs crotch after completing requisite five minutes of interview time

Old-Fashioned, Physical NFL Game Full Of New-Age, Modern Brain Trauma

Source: america.aljazeera.com

Source: america.aljazeera.com

PITTSBURGH—NFL analysts across the nation delighted in Sunday’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals, praising both teams for playing an old-fashioned brand of rugged, physical football that was riddled with brain injuries.

“This was just a good old slugfest,” ESPN analyst Mike Ditka said during a post-game show. “That was a great example of how football should be played: hard, physical, and fast,” Ditka continued, remarking on the run-heavy game that left multiple players with life-altering concussions.

Other analysts and former players lauded the game’s departure from what they believe has become a pass-focused version of the game that penalizes players for playing too aggressively.

“It feels good to finally get back to football after all that’s happened this year with Ray [Rice] and Adrian [Peterson],” FOX analyst Terry Bradshaw said of the game, which had its play stopped on three separate occasions to tend to players dazed from slamming into each other without slowing down.

The adulation for the game, whose high-speed collisions resulted in cranial damage that would likely not be discovered for years by the untold players who suffered it, continued from NBC’s Sunday Night Football color commentator, Cris Collinsworth.

“In a game like this one, so late in the season, flags shouldn’t decide it; thankfully, they didn’t,” Collinsworth said, approving of the lack of penalties levied for the scores of head-to-head spear tackles committed during the game.

“Deciding the fate of the playoffs is of the utmost importance,” Collinsworth added before marveling at a replay of Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton being thrown onto his neck by a Steelers defender and lying prone for several seconds.

“Now that’s football,” Collinsworth said.

Furious Raiders Threaten NFL Films’ Planned DVD Release of Team’s 2014 Games

Source: Bleacher Report

Source: Bleacher Report

OAKLAND, Calif.—The Oakland Raiders issued threats of violence and unrest toward NFL Films today after learning of the company’s planned release of a collectible DVD of each of the team’s 2014 games.

“Should this vile media be released, we will find no recourse but to enact swift, powerful justice upon those responsible,” Raiders owner and supreme leader Mark Davis said in a team-issued statement lambasting the potential release of 2014 Raiders games to a national audience. “Such an act of defamation will not be met idly,” Davis added.

Experts believe Davis’s overly protective declaration is a desperate attempt to keep the misled, long-suffering Raiders fan base from being exposed to any media or thoughts on the team from outside entities.

“We’re talking about a group of people delusional about the glory of their team,” sociologist Nathan Glencoe said. “From the time most are indoctrinated into Raiders fandom, they’re blasted with team-issued propaganda brainwashing them into thinking this is still not only a successful franchise to support, but a triumphant one,” he explained.

“These poor people really believe the Raiders are a powerful, magnificent organization, and the DVD release would undo all that,” Glencoe added.

The Raiders’ systemic feeding of grandiose misinformation to its fans dates back to the 1970s, when previous team owner and grand ruler Al Davis seized power in the team’s front office. “Since then, it’s been a sad trail of lies and torturous deception that Mark [Davis] inherited seamlessly,” Glencoe said. “Things like ‘Darren McFadden’s rocket-like speed decimates opposing defenses,’ or ‘Derek Carr’s downfield missiles are an unstoppable force.’

“Anything to distract the masses from the horrifying reality they’re living,” Glencoe concluded.

Upon receiving word of the shuttered franchise’s threats, NFL Films announced it would instead distribute a “Raider Greats” copy in its San Francisco/Oakland market while re-branding the original DVD as a football-bloopers compilation elsewhere.

Benched Jay Cutler Expresses Support For New Starter Jonny Crawson

Source: Huffington Post

Source: Huffington Post

CHICAGO—Benched Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said today he intends to fully support the team’s new starter at the position. “I’ve got Jonny Crawson’s back,” Cutler told reporters.

The embattled Cutler made his backing known following the team’s practice Wednesday afternoon. “[I] didn’t see any of Jonny’s throws today, but they were probably good,” Cutler said. “He’ll be ready for the Tigers on Sunday,” he continued, remarking on the team’s upcoming game against the divisional rival Detroit Lions.

Benched after a particularly shaky home performance against the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, Cutler said he has no issue being relegated to a backup role. “I’ll do whatever coach Tarkman says I should do, and part of that is being supportive of whoever and stuff,” Cutler explained.

After answering questions, Cutler approached kicker Jay Feely and signaled to the scouting binder he was loosely holding at his side. “Hey, Jonny,” Cutler said, “we should talk about their plays and whatever,” he continued, stifling a yawn and rubbing his stubble-ridden face.

At press time, Cutler told reporters he was looking forward to helping the defense prep for the Lions by posing as the team’s star quarterback, “Michael Shackford.”

Honest Teen Gives Created Player of Himself Speed Rating of 8 in Madden

MINNEAPOLIS—Area teen Jacob Wilshansky today assigned an honest speed rating to the player he created of himself in the Madden 15 video game. The overweight 15-year-old rated his virtual self at 8 out of 100 in speed.

“I wanted it to look like I was really in the game, and I need to be honest with the fact that I’m not very fast,” Wilshansky said.

The popular video game rates each player in dozens of skill categories, including strength, throwing accuracy, and agility, to assess each player’s ability. The game’s slowest players are usually given speed ratings of at least 50.

Clad in a Minnesota Vikings jersey bearing his last name, Wilshansky smiled as he selected a “Create This Player” button after deciding to make himself the slowest player in Madden history.

The lethargic teen was not concerned about how ineffective his avatar might be in the game. “The NFL’s a passing league, anyway,” Wilshansky said as he assigned his player to his hometown Vikings as a running back.

After Vikings starting running back Adrian Peterson suffered a season-ending knee injury during the chubby adolescent’s first play in the game, Wilshansky screamed at his television as his created self failed to receive a handoff before quarterback Matt Cassel was sacked.

“God dammit, Cassel,” Wilshansky said.

-DD

Eli Manning Arrives at Training Camp with Sleeping Bag, Flashlight, Jammies

Image source: popsugar.com

Image source: popsugar.com

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—Giants quarterback Eli Manning arrived at the team’s training camp today with his sleeping bag, flashlight, and jammies. The two-time Super Bowl winner walked into the Giants’ training facility with his sleepover supplies stuffed in a backpack.

“I can’t wait to see my friends again,” Manning told reporters outside Quest Diagnostics Training Center. “I went fishing, played baseball, rode a roller coaster, and went to the beach this summer. My teammates will think it’s so cool,” the three-time Pro Bowler said.

Manning told reporters he plans on using his sleeping bag as part of a “fort” he will build with training-camp roommate and fellow quarterback Curtis Painter. “And we can use my flashlight for ghost stories,” the 33-year-old father of two added.

Later in the day as Manning emerged from an offensive team meeting, he expressed anticipation at his first training-camp meal. “I hope there are s’mores,” Manning said, carrying a Giants playbook scrawled with doodles.

The quarterback’s excitement was brief, however: after hearing that the NFL’s collective-bargaining agreement would shorten practices, Manning was upset that “bedtime would be too early for [him] to play ghost in the graveyard.”

-DD

2014 NFL Draft Prediction

With the NFL draft beginning next Thursday, football fans everywhere are equally full of hope and opinion. Check out The Practice Squad’s predictions of the draft’s first 10 picks.

1) Houston TexansJadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina: Clowney’s speed, strength, and relentless pass rush make him the near-unanimous choice as the draft’s top talent, but Houston fans are baffled after discovering that he’s not actually from Texas

2) St. Louis RamsSammy Watkins, WR, Clemson: Rams QB Sam Bradford wishes he was cool enough to pull off “Sammy”

3) Jacksonville JaguarsJake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M: The looming threat of franchise relocation has the Jaguars looking for a shot in the arm, and a big, stationary player who never touches the ball is just the place to start

4) Cleveland BrownsJohnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M: Browns owner Jimmy Haslam calls Manziel’s father to congratulate him and asks if he can borrow the family attorney for a quick second

5) Oakland RaidersMike Evans, WR, Texas A&M: Fans rip Oakland management for reaching for another receiver but calm down after noticing three Texas A&M players have been selected in a row, which is a pretty neat story

6) Miami DolphinsA.J. McCarron, QB, Alabama: Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey trades up to pick the former Alabama quarterback “totally, entirely on [his] free will and definitely not because of some sort of crazy third-party influence” as Nick Saban places a firm hand on Hickey’s shoulder and grins

7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida: Bucs opt for the pro-ready quarterback even with Mike Glennon, Josh McCown, and Mike Kafka on the roster

8) Minnesota Vikings—Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots: Vikings just hope nobody will notice and it’ll all work out come training camp

9) Buffalo Bills—Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo: The University of Buffalo linebacker is just down the road, so picking him up for games will be pretty easy on gas

10) Detroit Lions—Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama: Roger Goodell takes a full two minutes to stop giggling every time he looks at the card listing the Lions’ pick’s name

-DD