MINNEAPOLIS—Speaking to reporters at the team’s practice facility, Minnesota Timberwolves players said that new power forward Kevin Garnett is already teaching them how to properly disrespect their NBA opponents.
“His impact was felt immediately,” star rookie Andrew Wiggins said of the influence Garnett has had on the young team members’ ability to trash-talk and insult other players. “He’s been mother-fucking players at the highest level for two decades, so he knows what he’s talking about,” Wiggins added.
AUSTIN, Texas—Researchers today discovered the ancient Mayan ball-and-hoop game that frequently ended in human sacrifice also regularly resulted in brutally low final scores. Archaeologists at multiple excavated sites in Central America unearthed scoring tablets engraved with the unthinkably boring tallies.
“It’s a fascinating development,” said Mayan Exploration Center researcher Michael Rockford. “That the Mayan people turned to a game so barbarically difficult and bereft of any offensive fireworks for their entertainment is baffling.
“It appears some of these games, which might take days to complete and finish with several participants decapitated, ended without anybody scoring at all, if you can believe it,” Rockford added.
Participants in the game were tasked with getting a rubber ball through a wall-bound stone hoop, with some illustrations suggesting hands were not allowed to be used in doing so. Players were many times mercilessly heckled by bored audiences before having their still-beating hearts cut from their chests in sacrificial ceremonies.
“Obviously, it paints a pretty savage picture,” Rockford said, describing the games that ended with blood-soaked courts and unfilled scoring tablets. “The closest modern-day equivalent we have is basketball, but this game was much less civilized and refined; no dunks, no alley-oops, not even any fast-break layups. These athletes very often couldn’t hit a bucket if their lives literally depended on it,” he continued.
At press time, Mayan Exploration Center representatives were contacting the Philadelphia 76ers to request that all team records from this season be destroyed to prevent future generations from uncovering similarly horrifying offensive ineptitude and ascribing it as something Americans actually enjoyed.
DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.
“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.
“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.
The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.
Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”
Get a little more enjoyment out of the NBA season with The Practice Squad’s comprehensive, totally authoritative drinking-game guide for each one of the league’s 30 teams. While watching a game featuring your team, simply take the listed number of sips as each occurrence happens.
– 1 sip: Every time Bill Simmons says Celtics remind him of his dad or something
– 5 sips: Rajon Rondo assists on bucket scored by teammate whose name he doesn’t know
– 10 sips: Mic’ed up coach Brad Stevens gives team impassioned speech about how awesome it was to coach during March Madness
– Finish your drink: Savvy GM Danny Ainge brings Celtics back to prominence by acquiring Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen
CLEVELAND—According to sources, the Cavaliers have drawn interest from Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, and other legendary NBA players who never won a championship. The team has reportedly been contacted by close to a dozen retired, still title-starved greats.
Other notable ringless players rumored to be in contact with the Cavs include John Stockton, Dominique Wilkins, and 62-year-old George Gervin.
“[The Cavs] have been getting calls pretty much nonstop over the past month,” an anonymous source said. “They’re arguably the most attractive free-agent landing spot in league history right now.”
With last month’s announcement that LeBron James would be returning to Cleveland this season and the team’s impending acquisition of All-Star forward Kevin Love, the Cavaliers have quickly become title contenders. Many NBA stars still pained by their fruitless careers see playing in Cleveland as their last shot at a championship.
“I can tell you with some certainty that Elgin wants to be in Cleveland,” a source close to 1957 first overall draft pick Elgin Baylor said. “LeBron’s baby Cavs would be perfect for giving him reduced minutes on the way to his first title.”
At press time, sources reported Karl Malone was interested in signing with Cleveland, but was insistent on receiving a maximum contract from the team.
MIAMI—Heat president Pat Riley is aiming to add a dozen current and former All-Stars to the team’s roster this summer, according to sources. Along with the Heat’s current power trio of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, the 12 superstars would complete the first Big 15 in NBA history.
The rumor surfaced in the midst of the Heat’s fourth consecutive trip to the NBA Finals, which currently sees the team in a 3-1 series deficit against the San Antonio Spurs. Sources close to Riley speculate the Heat’s early-series losses, including back-to-back blowouts at home, have “pushed him to have no choice but to start planning for a Big 15.”
MIAMI—Thousands of NCAA basketball fans are swarming American Airlines Arena in anticipation for tonight’s Heat-Thunder showdown. The game’s matchup between Miami’s Greg Oden and Oklahoma City’s Hasheem Thabeet is the reason for the flood of uninformed basketball supporters.
Clad in Ohio State and UConn apparel, the fans, lacking any NBA knowledge, expressed their excitement for the two giants doing battle during the nationally televised contest.