ISIS Horrifies Americans With New Video Declaring Kobe Better Than Jordan

DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.

“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.

The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.

Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”

Swackhammer Puts in Early, Aggressive Bid to Buy Clippers

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LOS ANGELES—Interstellar theme-park tycoon Swackhammer has placed an aggressive bid to buy the Los Angeles Clippers, sources reported today. The alien’s bid was placed following team owner Donald Sterling’s lifetime NBA ban last week.

According to sources, Swackhammer has contacted Sterling’s representatives to offer 14.5 million space bucks—which converts to about US$1.25 billion—for the team. The bullish pitch more than doubles the Clippers’ estimated current value of $575 million.The offer is the first submitted since the announcement of Sterling’s ban and comes in before any sort of official notice of sale for the Clippers.

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