ISIS Horrifies Americans With New Video Declaring Kobe Better Than Jordan

DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.

“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.

The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.

Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”

Pat Riley Looking to Add Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Love, Kyrie Irving, Paul George, Tim Duncan, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Dirk Nowitzki, Al Horford, Blake Griffin, James Harden, and Rajon Rondo for Heat Big 15

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MIAMI—Heat president Pat Riley is aiming to add a dozen current and former All-Stars to the team’s roster this summer, according to sources. Along with the Heat’s current power trio of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh, the 12 superstars would complete the first Big 15 in NBA history.

The rumor surfaced in the midst of the Heat’s fourth consecutive trip to the NBA Finals, which currently sees the team in a 3-1 series deficit against the San Antonio Spurs. Sources close to Riley speculate the Heat’s early-series losses, including back-to-back blowouts at home, have “pushed him to have no choice but to start planning for a Big 15.”

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