ISIS Horrifies Americans With New Video Declaring Kobe Better Than Jordan

DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.

“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.

The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.

Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”