CHICAGO—Benched Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said today he intends to fully support the team’s new starter at the position. “I’ve got Jonny Crawson’s back,” Cutler told reporters.
The embattled Cutler made his backing known following the team’s practice Wednesday afternoon. “[I] didn’t see any of Jonny’s throws today, but they were probably good,” Cutler said. “He’ll be ready for the Tigers on Sunday,” he continued, remarking on the team’s upcoming game against the divisional rival Detroit Lions.
Benched after a particularly shaky home performance against the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, Cutler said he has no issue being relegated to a backup role. “I’ll do whatever coach Tarkman says I should do, and part of that is being supportive of whoever and stuff,” Cutler explained.
After answering questions, Cutler approached kicker Jay Feely and signaled to the scouting binder he was loosely holding at his side. “Hey, Jonny,” Cutler said, “we should talk about their plays and whatever,” he continued, stifling a yawn and rubbing his stubble-ridden face.
At press time, Cutler told reporters he was looking forward to helping the defense prep for the Lions by posing as the team’s star quarterback, “Michael Shackford.”
DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.
“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.
“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.
The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.
Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”
Get a little more enjoyment out of the NBA season with The Practice Squad’s comprehensive, totally authoritative drinking-game guide for each one of the league’s 30 teams. While watching a game featuring your team, simply take the listed number of sips as each occurrence happens.
– 1 sip: Every time Bill Simmons says Celtics remind him of his dad or something
– 5 sips: Rajon Rondo assists on bucket scored by teammate whose name he doesn’t know
– 10 sips: Mic’ed up coach Brad Stevens gives team impassioned speech about how awesome it was to coach during March Madness
– Finish your drink: Savvy GM Danny Ainge brings Celtics back to prominence by acquiring Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen
MINNEAPOLIS—Area teen Jacob Wilshansky today assigned an honest speed rating to the player he created of himself in the Madden 15 video game. The overweight 15-year-old rated his virtual self at 8 out of 100 in speed.
“I wanted it to look like I was really in the game, and I need to be honest with the fact that I’m not very fast,” Wilshansky said.
The popular video game rates each player in dozens of skill categories, including strength, throwing accuracy, and agility, to assess each player’s ability. The game’s slowest players are usually given speed ratings of at least 50.
Clad in a Minnesota Vikings jersey bearing his last name, Wilshansky smiled as he selected a “Create This Player” button after deciding to make himself the slowest player in Madden history.
The lethargic teen was not concerned about how ineffective his avatar might be in the game. “The NFL’s a passing league, anyway,” Wilshansky said as he assigned his player to his hometown Vikings as a running back.
After Vikings starting running back Adrian Peterson suffered a season-ending knee injury during the chubby adolescent’s first play in the game, Wilshansky screamed at his television as his created self failed to receive a handoff before quarterback Matt Cassel was sacked.
LOS ANGELES—After yielding four straight recruiting classes outside the national top 10, the USC football program announced today it would return to using the campus’s gorgeous, wealthy people and near-perfect year-round weather as its sole recruiting pitch.
“We think the previous administrations here complicated things a little too much,” new head coach Steve Sarkisian said in a press conference outside the university’s stunning Doheny Library.
“We plan on returning USC football to glory and attracting the nation’s best athletes the old-fashioned way: flawless faces, shredded bods, and beach weather in January,” Sarkisian told a crowd of reporters beneath an immaculate blue sky and shining sun.
BILBAO, Spain—More than a week since the United States national team’s arrival in Spain for the 2014 FIBA Basketball World Cup, guard James Harden is still wondering where all the Mexican food is.
According to team trainer Joe Sharpe, Harden has grown increasingly confused at the lack of Mexican food in Spain since the team landed in Gran Canaria August 24.
“He kept talking to [starting center Anthony] Davis on the flight about how authentic the tacos and salsa would be over here,” Sharpe said. “I heard him mention that there was plenty of great Mexican food in Houston, but that it’d taste like Taco Bell compared to the real thing we’d be eating during the tournament.”
However, Harden’s excitement began to wane during a team dinner following an exhibition win over Slovenia.
HOUSTON—Rice’s football program has crowned itself 2009 BCS champion after the team’s opponents and a handful of other schools—including ex-national champion Florida and runner-up Oklahoma—stripped themselves of all wins in that season due to NCAA violations.
Vanderbilt, Texas, and Tulsa—the teams that gave Rice its three losses during the ’08-‘09 season—announced today that their wins from that year would be vacated, giving the Owls a 13-0 record.