Furious Raiders Threaten NFL Films’ Planned DVD Release of Team’s 2014 Games

Source: Bleacher Report

Source: Bleacher Report

OAKLAND, Calif.—The Oakland Raiders issued threats of violence and unrest toward NFL Films today after learning of the company’s planned release of a collectible DVD of each of the team’s 2014 games.

“Should this vile media be released, we will find no recourse but to enact swift, powerful justice upon those responsible,” Raiders owner and supreme leader Mark Davis said in a team-issued statement lambasting the potential release of 2014 Raiders games to a national audience. “Such an act of defamation will not be met idly,” Davis added.

Experts believe Davis’s overly protective declaration is a desperate attempt to keep the misled, long-suffering Raiders fan base from being exposed to any media or thoughts on the team from outside entities.

“We’re talking about a group of people delusional about the glory of their team,” sociologist Nathan Glencoe said. “From the time most are indoctrinated into Raiders fandom, they’re blasted with team-issued propaganda brainwashing them into thinking this is still not only a successful franchise to support, but a triumphant one,” he explained.

“These poor people really believe the Raiders are a powerful, magnificent organization, and the DVD release would undo all that,” Glencoe added.

The Raiders’ systemic feeding of grandiose misinformation to its fans dates back to the 1970s, when previous team owner and grand ruler Al Davis seized power in the team’s front office. “Since then, it’s been a sad trail of lies and torturous deception that Mark [Davis] inherited seamlessly,” Glencoe said. “Things like ‘Darren McFadden’s rocket-like speed decimates opposing defenses,’ or ‘Derek Carr’s downfield missiles are an unstoppable force.’

“Anything to distract the masses from the horrifying reality they’re living,” Glencoe concluded.

Upon receiving word of the shuttered franchise’s threats, NFL Films announced it would instead distribute a “Raider Greats” copy in its San Francisco/Oakland market while re-branding the original DVD as a football-bloopers compilation elsewhere.

“We Should Be Paid,” College-Football Player Receiving Massage in Gifted Lamborghini Says

Image source: intelligentcollegefootball.com

Image source: intelligentcollegefootball.com

LOS ANGELES—A college-football star told reporters today he believes NCAA athletes should be paid. Donning a white team-issued Nike track suit, the 19-year-old opined from the front seat of a Lamborghini while receiving a shoulder massage from a supermodel.

The dark-gray sports car the player used as his podium was “a gift from a friend” he received shortly before enrolling for his freshman season.

“Yeah, we need to be paid,” the electrifying wide receiver said after the team’s morning practice. “Playing football at this level is like a full-time job, not to mention our workload at school,” the general-studies major added.

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