Super Bowl XLIX Media-Day Highlights


– Russell Wilson volunteers at Phoenix-area hospital to shake bad-boy image
– Bill Belichick uncomfortably thrilled to take question from terminally ill child
– Tom Brady spends entirety of interview berating event’s caterers
– Julian Edelman humiliated after diary is read aloud by Rob Gronkowski
– ESPN analysts Tedy Bruschi, Ray Lewis, and Steve Levy contemplate discussing just what the point of media day is, and how all this pomp and pageantry is really an extension of Americans’ obsession over frivolous things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things before deciding to talk about football inflation
– Stephen Gostkowski points out that a real neutral site would be someplace geographically right between Boston and Seattle, like Fargo
– Seahawks punter Jon Ryan arrives with plastic-wrapped mound of ice on throwing shoulder
– Live-hawk handler waiting in middle of media floor for bird released from top of Seattle’s CenturyLink Stadium
– Pete Carroll admits he’d give all this up to follow just one more Eagles tour across the country in his ’72 GTO, man
– Rookie reporter ridiculed by colleagues for throwing several questions right at Richard Sherman
– Luke Willson fields question on when he and Reese Witherspoon will team up for Legally Blonde 3
– Marshawn Lynch jumps off stage, grabs crotch after completing requisite five minutes of interview time

World Cup 2014: Players to Watch

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Find yourself with nothing to contribute to World Cup small talk? Study up on some of The Practice Squad’s players to watch in the 2014 tournament:
Tim Howard, Goalkeeper, USA: As coach Jurgen Klinsmann’s favorite player on the roster, is allowed to touch the ball with his hands
Cristiano Ronaldo, Forward, Portugal: Considered one of the top players in the world in spite of scoring only 0.67 goals per game
Bastian Schweinsteiger, Midfielder, Germany: Like you couldn’t guess what country this guy is from
Viktor Krum, Seeker, Bulgaria: Teenage superstar’s patented Wronski Feint maneuver should prove to be a nightmare for opposing wizards
Wayne Rooney, Forward, England: Gets in defenders’ heads by saying, “cheerio” every time he passes or shoots the ball
Lionel Messi, Forward, Argentina: Humble world-class scorer planning on just walking on over from neighboring Argentina once the tournament starts
Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez, Forward, Mexico: Wears nickname on back of jersey as part of Taco Bell endorsement deal for one of the restaurant’s happy-hour items
Sergio Ramos, Defender, Spain: Just thankful Americans decided to cut their country’s most legendary player and not bring Air Bud to Brazil

2014 NFL Draft Prediction

With the NFL draft beginning next Thursday, football fans everywhere are equally full of hope and opinion. Check out The Practice Squad’s predictions of the draft’s first 10 picks.

1) Houston TexansJadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina: Clowney’s speed, strength, and relentless pass rush make him the near-unanimous choice as the draft’s top talent, but Houston fans are baffled after discovering that he’s not actually from Texas

2) St. Louis RamsSammy Watkins, WR, Clemson: Rams QB Sam Bradford wishes he was cool enough to pull off “Sammy”

3) Jacksonville JaguarsJake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M: The looming threat of franchise relocation has the Jaguars looking for a shot in the arm, and a big, stationary player who never touches the ball is just the place to start

4) Cleveland BrownsJohnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M: Browns owner Jimmy Haslam calls Manziel’s father to congratulate him and asks if he can borrow the family attorney for a quick second

5) Oakland RaidersMike Evans, WR, Texas A&M: Fans rip Oakland management for reaching for another receiver but calm down after noticing three Texas A&M players have been selected in a row, which is a pretty neat story

6) Miami DolphinsA.J. McCarron, QB, Alabama: Dolphins GM Dennis Hickey trades up to pick the former Alabama quarterback “totally, entirely on [his] free will and definitely not because of some sort of crazy third-party influence” as Nick Saban places a firm hand on Hickey’s shoulder and grins

7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Blake Bortles, QB, Central Florida: Bucs opt for the pro-ready quarterback even with Mike Glennon, Josh McCown, and Mike Kafka on the roster

8) Minnesota Vikings—Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots: Vikings just hope nobody will notice and it’ll all work out come training camp

9) Buffalo Bills—Khalil Mack, LB, Buffalo: The University of Buffalo linebacker is just down the road, so picking him up for games will be pretty easy on gas

10) Detroit Lions—Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama: Roger Goodell takes a full two minutes to stop giggling every time he looks at the card listing the Lions’ pick’s name


Highlights: NCAA Coaches Recruiting via Social Media

Last month, the NCAA accepted the popular expiring-photo app Snapchat as a legal means of communication between coaches and recruits.

Following the ruling, coaches across the country enthusiastically took to various social media to send more personal messages to their recruits. The Practice Squad has received reports on some of these early recruiting efforts.

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Highlights: Super Bowl XLVIII

  • Joe Namath sets record of 44 years between Super Bowl interceptions
  • John Fox digs in pocket for challenge flag, tosses condoms and Bayer pills onto field
  • Bill Gates having trouble streaming game on PC
  • Pete Carroll adds second line to headset to chat with Macklemore throughout game
  • Eli Manning seen wearing protective earmuffs during halftime concert
  • Multilingual Coca-Cola ad infuriates everyone’s loud uncle
  • Broncos relieved to see hungry Eli Manning eat Snickers, turn back into Peyton
  • Richard Sherman swats snowflake away from awaiting child’s tongue, berates father for raising “mediocre” son
  • Shannon Sharpe: weather obviously a factor
  • Peyton Manning disappoints Cooper
  • Gary Bettman furious at Roger Goodell for upstaging NHL Stadium Series
  • Eli Manning throws tantrum upon realizing he’s not going to Disney World

Highlights: Super Bowl Media Day

Miss the action during Super Bowl media day? The Practice Squad has you covered with the event’s highlights:

  • Peyton Manning arrives three hours early to find best acoustic podium to answer questions
  • Russell Wilson enters Prudential Center, doesn’t see what the weather fuss is all about
  • Wes Welker gets completely entangled in power cords
  • Marshawn Lynch cornrows John Clayton’s hair
  • Everyone delighted to see tearful Adrian Peterson show up in full pads and beg Roger Goodell to let him play
  • Peyton Manning refuses to answer any question ending in a preposition
  • Eli Manning won’t use bathroom unless accompanied by brother Peyton
  • Pete Carroll “just can’t believe [he] made it here,” and neither can anyone else
  • Skip Bayless has brain aneurysm from suppressing urge to say N-word
  • Trey Wingo ponders if too much importance is placed on minutia of single football game before spending 20 minutes discussing how weather may affect punts
  • John Fox crassly refers to wife as “Yeast Mode”
  • Mike Tice caught scalping all-access pass outside stadium
  • Reporter flagged and fined for hard-hitting question
  • Peyton Manning tells Knowshon Moreno his name is spelled wrong
  • Pete Carroll thanks Reggie Bush’s agent for giving him this opportunity
  • Skip Bayless labels Derrick Coleman a thug for using “gang signs” while answering questions
  • Broncos center Manny Ramirez fields 26 straight PED-related questions
  • Peyton Manning’s “Omahas” due to amnesia from long-untreated concussions