Prince Fielder Reports To Spring Training In Biggest Shape Of His Life

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SUNRISE, Ariz.—After arriving to spring training and settling into the team’s clubhouse, Texas Rangers first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters that he was in the biggest shape of his entire life.

“I feel good about this season,” the 275-pound Fielder said. “This is the first spring training I’ve shown up to where I don’t feel like I can get any bigger, so that can only mean good things for me,” he added.

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NASCAR Introduces Closed-Captioned Car Sounds


DAYTONA BEACH, Fla.—NASCAR officials announced today that the stock-car racing association would integrate closed captions of the car sounds made at all its future races. Citing a fan survey, NASCAR chief communications officer Brett Jewkes told reporters about the initiative.

“We’re excited to bring this part of our exciting sport to our television broadcasts,” Jewkes said. “Our comprehensive fan survey indicated an overwhelming positive response to the loud vrooms, rumbles, and screeches heard in person at races and over our broadcasts’ audio, so giving that experience to fans unable to hear it, such as those with hearing difficulties, was a logical next step,” he added.

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Kevin Garnett Already Teaching New Young Teammates How To Properly Disrespect Opponents

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MINNEAPOLIS—Speaking to reporters at the team’s practice facility, Minnesota Timberwolves players said that new power forward Kevin Garnett is already teaching them how to properly disrespect their NBA opponents.

“His impact was felt immediately,” star rookie Andrew Wiggins said of the influence Garnett has had on the young team members’ ability to trash-talk and insult other players. “He’s been mother-fucking players at the highest level for two decades, so he knows what he’s talking about,” Wiggins added.

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Old-Fashioned, Physical NFL Game Full Of New-Age, Modern Brain Trauma



PITTSBURGH—NFL analysts across the nation delighted in Sunday’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cincinnati Bengals, praising both teams for playing an old-fashioned brand of rugged, physical football that was riddled with brain injuries.

“This was just a good old slugfest,” ESPN analyst Mike Ditka said during a post-game show. “That was a great example of how football should be played: hard, physical, and fast,” Ditka continued, remarking on the run-heavy game that left multiple players with life-altering concussions.

Other analysts and former players lauded the game’s departure from what they believe has become a pass-focused version of the game that penalizes players for playing too aggressively.

“It feels good to finally get back to football after all that’s happened this year with Ray [Rice] and Adrian [Peterson],” FOX analyst Terry Bradshaw said of the game, which had its play stopped on three separate occasions to tend to players dazed from slamming into each other without slowing down.

The adulation for the game, whose high-speed collisions resulted in cranial damage that would likely not be discovered for years by the untold players who suffered it, continued from NBC’s Sunday Night Football color commentator, Cris Collinsworth.

“In a game like this one, so late in the season, flags shouldn’t decide it; thankfully, they didn’t,” Collinsworth said, approving of the lack of penalties levied for the scores of head-to-head spear tackles committed during the game.

“Deciding the fate of the playoffs is of the utmost importance,” Collinsworth added before marveling at a replay of Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton being thrown onto his neck by a Steelers defender and lying prone for several seconds.

“Now that’s football,” Collinsworth said.

Researchers: Ancient Mayans’ Deadly Hoop Game Frequently Ended With Brutal Low Scores



AUSTIN, Texas—Researchers today discovered the ancient Mayan ball-and-hoop game that frequently ended in human sacrifice also regularly resulted in brutally low final scores. Archaeologists at multiple excavated sites in Central America unearthed scoring tablets engraved with the unthinkably boring tallies.

“It’s a fascinating development,” said Mayan Exploration Center researcher Michael Rockford. “That the Mayan people turned to a game so barbarically difficult and bereft of any offensive fireworks for their entertainment is baffling.

“It appears some of these games, which might take days to complete and finish with several participants decapitated, ended without anybody scoring at all, if you can believe it,” Rockford added.

Participants in the game were tasked with getting a rubber ball through a wall-bound stone hoop, with some illustrations suggesting hands were not allowed to be used in doing so. Players were many times mercilessly heckled by bored audiences before having their still-beating hearts cut from their chests in sacrificial ceremonies.

“Obviously, it paints a pretty savage picture,” Rockford said, describing the games that ended with blood-soaked courts and unfilled scoring tablets. “The closest modern-day equivalent we have is basketball, but this game was much less civilized and refined; no dunks, no alley-oops, not even any fast-break layups. These athletes very often couldn’t hit a bucket if their lives literally depended on it,” he continued.

At press time, Mayan Exploration Center representatives were contacting the Philadelphia 76ers to request that all team records from this season be destroyed to prevent future generations from uncovering similarly horrifying offensive ineptitude and ascribing it as something Americans actually enjoyed.

Benched Jay Cutler Expresses Support For New Starter Jonny Crawson

Source: Huffington Post

Source: Huffington Post

CHICAGO—Benched Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said today he intends to fully support the team’s new starter at the position. “I’ve got Jonny Crawson’s back,” Cutler told reporters.

The embattled Cutler made his backing known following the team’s practice Wednesday afternoon. “[I] didn’t see any of Jonny’s throws today, but they were probably good,” Cutler said. “He’ll be ready for the Tigers on Sunday,” he continued, remarking on the team’s upcoming game against the divisional rival Detroit Lions.

Benched after a particularly shaky home performance against the New Orleans Saints on Sunday, Cutler said he has no issue being relegated to a backup role. “I’ll do whatever coach Tarkman says I should do, and part of that is being supportive of whoever and stuff,” Cutler explained.

After answering questions, Cutler approached kicker Jay Feely and signaled to the scouting binder he was loosely holding at his side. “Hey, Jonny,” Cutler said, “we should talk about their plays and whatever,” he continued, stifling a yawn and rubbing his stubble-ridden face.

At press time, Cutler told reporters he was looking forward to helping the defense prep for the Lions by posing as the team’s star quarterback, “Michael Shackford.”

ISIS Horrifies Americans With New Video Declaring Kobe Better Than Jordan

DAMASCUS, Syria—Islamic terrorist organization ISIS horrified Americans Tuesday after posting a video wherein a masked, armed man declares in an angry rant that Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan was.

“The arrogance and hypocrisy that fuels the west’s anti-Islamic war games and oppression is the same haughtiness that feeds Americans’ stubborn, obtuse belief that Jordan is better than Kobe,” the figure says, holding an AK-47 assault rifle in a barren desert landscape.

“We will not sit idly and accept this sort of brash hubris; Kobe reigns over Jordan in points,” the cloaked radical continues in the chilling video, referencing Bryant’s recent leapfrogging of Jordan on the all-time NBA scoring list.

The terrorist spends the next 4-and-a-half minutes making the appalling claims that “Jordan was king of an era marred with diminishing skill,” and that “[Jordan] stood upon the shoulders of [Scottie] Pippen many a playoff, praise Allah,” before coldly saying that Bryant would “vanquish” Jordan if the two players were to play 1-on-1 in their primes.

Just before the video’s abrupt end, the unrepentant militant callously adds, “and Eli is better than Peyton.”