Honest Teen Gives Created Player of Himself Speed Rating of 8 in Madden

MINNEAPOLIS—Area teen Jacob Wilshansky today assigned an honest speed rating to the player he created of himself in the Madden 15 video game. The overweight 15-year-old rated his virtual self at 8 out of 100 in speed.

“I wanted it to look like I was really in the game, and I need to be honest with the fact that I’m not very fast,” Wilshansky said.

The popular video game rates each player in dozens of skill categories, including strength, throwing accuracy, and agility, to assess each player’s ability. The game’s slowest players are usually given speed ratings of at least 50.

Clad in a Minnesota Vikings jersey bearing his last name, Wilshansky smiled as he selected a “Create This Player” button after deciding to make himself the slowest player in Madden history.

The lethargic teen was not concerned about how ineffective his avatar might be in the game. “The NFL’s a passing league, anyway,” Wilshansky said as he assigned his player to his hometown Vikings as a running back.

After Vikings starting running back Adrian Peterson suffered a season-ending knee injury during the chubby adolescent’s first play in the game, Wilshansky screamed at his television as his created self failed to receive a handoff before quarterback Matt Cassel was sacked.

“God dammit, Cassel,” Wilshansky said.


USC Defaulting to Recruit Pitch of Being Surrounded by Rich, Beautiful People in Ideal Year-Round Weather

Image source: yanksarecoming.com

Image source: yanksarecoming.com

LOS ANGELES—After yielding four straight recruiting classes outside the national top 10, the USC football program announced today it would return to using the campus’s gorgeous, wealthy people and near-perfect year-round weather as its sole recruiting pitch.

“We think the previous administrations here complicated things a little too much,” new head coach Steve Sarkisian said in a press conference outside the university’s stunning Doheny Library.

“We plan on returning USC football to glory and attracting the nation’s best athletes the old-fashioned way: flawless faces, shredded bods, and beach weather in January,” Sarkisian told a crowd of reporters beneath an immaculate blue sky and shining sun.

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James Harden Wondering Where All the Mexican Food Is

Image source: zimbio.com

Image source: zimbio.com

BILBAO, Spain—More than a week since the United States national team’s arrival in Spain for the 2014 FIBA Basketball World Cup, guard James Harden is still wondering where all the Mexican food is.

According to team trainer Joe Sharpe, Harden has grown increasingly confused at the lack of Mexican food in Spain since the team landed in Gran Canaria August 24.

“He kept talking to [starting center Anthony] Davis on the flight about how authentic the tacos and salsa would be over here,” Sharpe said. “I heard him mention that there was plenty of great Mexican food in Houston, but that it’d taste like Taco Bell compared to the real thing we’d be eating during the tournament.”

However, Harden’s excitement began to wane during a team dinner following an exhibition win over Slovenia.

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