Ignorant NCAA basketball fans swarm Miami for Oden-Thabeet showdown

MIAMI—Thousands of NCAA basketball fans are swarming American Airlines Arena in anticipation for tonight’s Heat-Thunder showdown. The game’s matchup between Miami’s Greg Oden and Oklahoma City’s Hasheem Thabeet is the reason for the flood of uninformed basketball supporters.

Clad in Ohio State and UConn apparel, the fans, lacking any NBA knowledge, expressed their excitement for the two giants doing battle during the nationally televised contest.

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Derek Jeter announces 2014 season will be unbearable

NEW YORK—Longtime New York Yankees shortstop and captain Derek Jeter took to Facebook Wednesday to announce his plans to make the 2014 Major League Baseball season the most self-righteous, insufferable one in recent memory.

“After thinking long and hard, I felt that forcing Major League Baseball to cover me—and exclusively me—despite my tremendous decrease in skills and athleticism, was the right decision for both me and the New York Yankees,” Jeter said in a note posted to the popular social-media site.

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New NBC app converts Olympic results into brain synapses

NEW YORK—At an Olympic event Sunday, NBC unveiled its new application software, which is touted as the first app to entirely bypass the body’s ocular center and advance directly into the consumer’s temporal lobe.

“In our world of instant gratification, that split second of having to glance down at your phone can feel like an eternity,” said Megan Adams, an NBC social-media spokeswoman.

With smartphone apps eliminating the wait for movie tickets, cabs, and even dates, NBC’s new product is being hailed by Adams as “the next logical step.”

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Browns’ Weeden requests trade to NCAA team

CLEVELAND—Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden has requested to be traded from the team, sources have reported. The rising third-year player asked to be dealt to an NCAA team.

Drafted 22nd overall by the Browns in 2012, Weeden and his arm strength were touted as being able to bring Cleveland the steady quarterbacking it has long needed, but the 30-year-old has struggled mightily in most of his 23 NFL games.

Weeden believes a trade to a college team will earn him a clean slate in a more suitable skill environment.

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Pyongyang: Kim Jong-un wins record 42 gold medals in Sochi’s opening day

SOCHI, Russia—Reports out of Pyongyang say that North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has won an unprecedented 42 gold medals during the Winter Olympics’ opening day. Media outlets in the city report that Kim was completely untested in shattering the Olympic opening-day medal record.

“Our Most Supreme and Magnificent Leader has imposed his will upon the world’s athletes,” wrote The Pyongyang Times, a state-owned North Korean newspaper.

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Ryan Lochte arrives for Olympics two years early

SOCHI, Russia—In a development that has sparked both confusion and controversy, Olympic gold-medal-winning swimmer Ryan Lochte arrived in Russia earlier today.

Lochte, who swam for team U.S.A. 18 months ago in London’s Olympics, has been spotted around Sochi asking for directions to the pool and apologizing for missing the Winter Games’ opening ceremonies.

“‘Scuse me, bro. Ryan Lochte, coming through,” the summer Olympian said in a tone that was either confused or arrogant. “Just looking for the pool. Sorry, [I] don’t speak Russian.”

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NHL Olympians thrilled at chance to play in front of crowd

SOCHI, Russia—A spokesman for the U.S. Olympic men’s ice-hockey team announced today that the players were very excited to be headed to Russia and play hockey in front of fans.

“It’s going to be really cool,” said U.S.  goalie Jonathan Quick. “I mean, I love hockey—it’s probably my favorite sport behind football—but it can be kind of boring to play in an arena with nobody but the other players.”

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