David Stern returns home to find Antoine Walker living in guest house

SCARSDALE, N.Y.—After finishing a commencement brunch in Manhattan, David Stern returned to his estate in Westchester County only to be greeted by former NBA star Antoine Walker in his driveway.

“It was certainly unexpected,” said the 71-year-old former league commissioner. “I haven’t seen Mr.Walker since his playing days, and his request to live at my house is the first conversation I believe we’ve ever had.”

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Highlights: Super Bowl Media Day

Miss the action during Super Bowl media day? The Practice Squad has you covered with the event’s highlights:

  • Peyton Manning arrives three hours early to find best acoustic podium to answer questions
  • Russell Wilson enters Prudential Center, doesn’t see what the weather fuss is all about
  • Wes Welker gets completely entangled in power cords
  • Marshawn Lynch cornrows John Clayton’s hair
  • Everyone delighted to see tearful Adrian Peterson show up in full pads and beg Roger Goodell to let him play
  • Peyton Manning refuses to answer any question ending in a preposition
  • Eli Manning won’t use bathroom unless accompanied by brother Peyton
  • Pete Carroll “just can’t believe [he] made it here,” and neither can anyone else
  • Skip Bayless has brain aneurysm from suppressing urge to say N-word
  • Trey Wingo ponders if too much importance is placed on minutia of single football game before spending 20 minutes discussing how weather may affect punts
  • John Fox crassly refers to wife as “Yeast Mode”
  • Mike Tice caught scalping all-access pass outside stadium
  • Reporter flagged and fined for hard-hitting question
  • Peyton Manning tells Knowshon Moreno his name is spelled wrong
  • Pete Carroll thanks Reggie Bush’s agent for giving him this opportunity
  • Skip Bayless labels Derrick Coleman a thug for using “gang signs” while answering questions
  • Broncos center Manny Ramirez fields 26 straight PED-related questions
  • Peyton Manning’s “Omahas” due to amnesia from long-untreated concussions

John Fox enjoying New York nightlife

NEW YORK—Sources have confirmed that Denver Broncos head coach and noted womanizer John Fox is already enjoying New York’s vibrant nightlife.

The 58-year-old Virginia Bech, Va. native is “absolutely tearing it up in the Big Apple,” according to the coach himself.

“I tell ya, I was born to do two things: coach football and crush ‘tang,” Fox relayed late this morning as he quickly consumed a Vitamin Water and threw in his first toothpick of the day.

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Dejected Marshawn Lynch leaves NYC M&M’s store

Seahawks RB thought chocolate candies were personalized Skittles

NEW YORK—Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch briefly visited Times Square’s M&M’s World store today before glumly traveling to Super Bowl media day. The powerful runner mistook the chocolates for the similar-looking fruit-flavored Skittles candies for which he holds a well-publicized affinity.

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Eli Manning excited to show locker to big brother Peyton

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning told reporters today he’s very excited to show his locker to his older brother Peyton this week. Peyton’s Broncos will be using the Giants’ locker room this week while preparing for Sunday’s Super Bowl.

“I can’t wait for Peyton to get done with his interviews and stuff,” Eli said, flashing a smile and softly pumping his fists.

“I’m going to show him where I put my helmet, and my shoes, and my jersey.He’ll think it’s so cool,” the two-time Super Bowl MVP continued.

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Peyton Manning corrects teammates that Super Bowl is technically in New Jersey

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—With the AFC champion Denver Broncos arriving in the New York area for Sunday’s Super Bowl, Broncos players have reported being corrected by star quarterback Peyton Manning that the game is technically taking place in New Jersey.

The players, who asked to remain anonymous, told sources that the record-breaking, cerebral signal caller has consistently interrupted conversations when hearing players express excitement about playing in New York.

“You know that the game’s actually in New Jersey, right?” Manning rhetorically asked a Broncos defensive player after a team film session. “I mean, yeah, it’s the New York metro area, but the stadium’s in New Jersey,” the universally respected future Hall-of-Famer added before heading to the locker room.

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